He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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