Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
