My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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