Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Can I color on your dick again?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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