She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
