he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
