I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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