I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
