It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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