he was CRYING into my vagina
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
