Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
