yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
