I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
