Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
