Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
