I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
