you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
