2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
