new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
