Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
