my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
