Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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