Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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