Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
