Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
