hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
not ubering you a puppy
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
