lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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