yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
