Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
