the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
