I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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