turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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