that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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