I accidentally had phone sex last night
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
