I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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