Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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