So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
