Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
