i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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