Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my shit smells like andre
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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