Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
