I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Randomize
