You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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