Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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