The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
