She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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