Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
