Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
