you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
