even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Another day, another engagement, another cat
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
